It feels like yesterday, I was back home in South Africa for my 30th birthday – that was a little over 3 years ago, in April 2010. At that point the song, by Tim Mc Graw, was already pretty old, but it was perfect for me, for where I was in life and where I hoped to be going, take a listen here in case you don’t know it……..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6CVJ3vPOMk
Really the lyrics were perfect, taking a moment to celebrate my age, I’d reached 30, I was somewhat successful in what I had set out to do, and yet I still had a LOT of growing up to do. When I got back to MN after my trip back home, I had a few more months of craziness throughout the summer. BUT – late in the summer I met a woman, a woman who turned out to be the BEST thing that ever happened to me. Granted the road that lead to our meeting was a bumpy one, but I wouldn’t undo a single step taken on that road because that could mean I wouldn’t have met her. I am sure you know the name of this amazing lady – Jeanna!!
The song goes on to say that in my next 30 years I’ll try to forget all the crazy things I’ve done – I’m not sure I want to forget them all, some things were fun, some were crazy, but it was all part of growing up, and of becoming the woman I am today.
Then……..in my next 30 years I’ll cry a little less and laugh a little more – well I am a Mc Loughlin and we don’t cry less, ever 🙂 but I am definitely laughing a LOT more and I most definitely found my world of happiness and I am slowly but surely figuring out what I am doing here.
I love the verse that refers to watching my weight, eating more salads and not staying up so late – well, as of today, I am officially the heaviest weight I’ve ever being in my life, but for good reason and I LOVE it!! Also, I don’t stay up nearly as late as I used to, partially because I am exhausted come 8pm every night, but again for the best reason in the world!!
The last verse has my favorite line of the entire song – “Raise a little family and hang out with my wife” in just 3 years since my 30th birthday I am, WE ARE, well on the way to fulfilling this wish – I have the woman in my life that I know I’ll spend the next 30 +++ years with, we’ll raise a family (bun is in the oven) and we’ll do plenty of hanging out!!!
Unfortunately, this same very verse also refers to spending precious moments with the ones that I hold dear, and making up for lost time in my next 30 years…….and this part is what really hit me hard today. As most people know, who follow this blog, or who know me, I left home (South Africa) back in 1999 – almost 14 years ago – I was barely 19, I gave up everything I knew to come to America, to play college hockey and to get an education, basically to take the once in a lifetime opportunity that was presented to me and run with it……..and boy did I run!! I received a fantastic education, I graduated with high honors back in May of 2003 and from there I just kept ‘running’. I reached goals I set out to accomplish, even if some took a little longer than I had originally anticipated, I stuck with it and I did it. Looking back………on the decision I made to leave South Africa I cannot lie and tell you that from time to time I haven’t thought about whether I was extremely brave or out of this world CRAZY to do what I did. However, I know that I have made many, many decisions during the past 14 years, and my choosing to come here, to stay here, to pursue my goals and my life ambitions, I regret NONE of them.
Yet – this doesn’t make the heart ache I feel go away, sure I am pretty good at keeping it in, but there are times, like I had this very afternoon, where I look at something, I remissness about back home, about my family I no longer see (but once every few years), about what I’ve ‘missed’ by not living there, and I break down!! Mentally and emotionally I just fall apart a little, usually it doesn’t last long, but I think I deserve these moments, to recognize that I am only human, that I do today, did yesterday and will tomorrow miss my family, and my friends back home.
What really hurt me today, hurt me much more than I have hurt for a long time is realizing (once again) that this little baby, mine and Jeanna’s child, wont really know my family, not in a personal, hands on way. While I will make sure that I teach him/her just where it is that I come from, where I was raised and who raised me, there really isn’t a perfect way to teach them WHO these people are. The thought that he/she will only know their grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins etc. through photos and as ‘living in the computer’ hurts, it cuts deep.
With all of this said……..I chose to start this blog this blog as a way of keeping a record of our journey to motherhood, a documented journal of just how much and how badly we wanted to create life, to have a child of our own, that one day he/she would be able to read all of this and understand just how much he/she is wanted in our lives. And while they’re doing that, I hope that they’ll understand the reasons for my decisions in life, that lead me down the road I am now on, the road I can with 200% certainty say I have NO REGRETS about being on. That he/she knows just how important being South African is to me, and while I did not return to the country to live, I do believe that the decisions I made are the best possible decisions I could have made for myself, and also for him/her to have the best possible future.
I love this child already, with all of my heart – we both do – I long for the next time I’ll feel him/her kick and move about and I really want him/her to know that all of their family back in South Africa loves them too – that they’re very excited for their daughter/sister/aunt, and her amazing partner, to welcome you into this world!!
Here’s a picture of the family, missing your oldest cousins, Calvin and Casey, that was taken at my 30th birthday party!!
Terry says
Debbie, thank you for your awesome blog, I am sitting here crying as I write this comment to you, we share a common thing called “making the right decision because of opportunity”. Decisions have their pro’s and con’s and like all things in life, when you look back you will be happy with your decision. Your little bundle of joy won’t miss or understand the distant family thing but as he/she gets older its a different story, I saw this in Michael from our trip back to SA last year, fortunately due to technology there is a lot of connection. In the long run, it will be your relationship with your child that will make all the difference in his/her life.